A Step into the Unknown

Two hours ago someone I knew in life passed away due to some form of cancer.  This person was an abusive ex-boyfriend... but the whole story is sad, and in the end... I do not rejoice over his death, rather, my heart aches for his wife, his friends and those who I know he affected in a positive way during his final years.

I want to type his name to honor him, but not everything I have to say about him would cast him in a positive light, so out of respect and love for his wife, I'll refrain.

I met him one night in Felton Fair.  I was hanging out with my little sister and maybe a couple other girls and he came out of Safeway with his friend and maybe a couple other people.  They had a bottle of Jägermeister and we probably had drugs in some form.  (At that point in my life I was dabbling in methamphetamine and general wild living - I was 18, after all).  For whatever reason our two groups started interacting and we ended up driving somewhere near the Zyante Fire station and parking our cars for some drinking and drugs.  Yippee.  Looking back it seems so silly... but whatever.

At some point the dearly deceased and I started making out and there began a shallow relationship that revolved around the use of meth.  A lot of bad things happened during the month or so that we "dated".

He ended up getting arrested so he spend about half of our "relationship" in jail.  When he got out he slept with a homeless girl before sleeping with me, and when I found out I was terrified that I could possibly have AIDS or something.  Before he got out of jail he told me we were going to move to Arizona to be near his father.

We broke up and I ended up running off to Reno and marrying his best friend.  After we were married my husband showed me letters the dearly deceased had sent him while he was in jail, saying that he had no intention of taking me to Arizona and that he was just using me to store his stuff or something.

I ended up divorcing my husband (for unrelated reasons) and left the whole mess behind me.  There were a lot of hurtful things that happened during the time of my life that I spent with those two friends... and the individual incidents are not the point of this story.  The point is that I was deeply hurt by my experiences with them and though I try to forgive people, memories can still hurt.

Years later I learned that the dearly deceased had become a Christian and, repenting of his sins, started attending church.  How did I discover this?  Who knew that I knew this person?  Why, no one other than my own mother.  This man, who had violated me, was now a born-again Christian and had chosen the same church that my mother (who had once joined in my hatred of said man) attends.  She not only had forgiven him, but they had become friends.  He became an active part of their church family and started donating his time to food outreaches and other service/charitable type things.

This particular church is the one I grew up in, and subsequently left when I was around 17 years old (because of church politics - another story).  A girl who was in my youth group apparently still attended there and I guess she and the dearly deceased caught each others eye.  This particular woman had lost her mother to cancer when we were teenagers.  I remember it.  It was very painful for everyone... I can't imagine what it was like for this woman.  The woman and the man decided to get married and I think they did all the things that he told me we were going to do.  I was happy that the story he wanted had played out.  I was nervous at first for the girl I knew, until it became apparent that he actually did care for her and was intending on staying with her until they died.

At some point he found out that he had cancer.  I don't know if he knew this before he and the woman connected... I don't know if the woman married him knowing he would die...  He battled cancer for a few years, I guess.  Everyone thought he was better.  Everyone thought he had kicked it.  But he died today, at 7am I guess.

My mom sent me a text at 8:37 this morning letting me know.  In months past, she had encouraged me to try and forgive him or to see some good in him.  I did forgive him, I just didn't care about his new life.  I was glad he wasn't hurting people anymore, and I was glad the woman I know had a happy marriage.

But when my mom told me that he passed... I couldn't hold back the tears... I think just because it's sad when someone you know passes away.  It's unbelievable.  Even if it's someone you don't like... you feel the loss because they had been a part of you in some way.

I'm mostly hurting for his wife, who has now suffered the loss of her mother and her husband to cancer... and I am hurting for my ex husband... who I have recently been reconciled with after a troublesome relationship and a decade of avoiding each other.  

I'm not rejoicing over this loss, but I guess the happy ending is that a monster of a person was able to turn a new leaf and affect some people for the better before he passed away.  As for me... I can't help but wonder why this sort of thing happens.  I suppose I'll be mourning today.

The sun is out.