Screw You, Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses
located at, 5761 Valley Dr.
Felton, CA 95018
(831) 335-5578
When you're dealing with Jehovah's witnesses the best way to handle them is to avoid them. Don't ridicule them, they'll think that they're being persecuted because of their faith and we just don't want that. No, the best way to deal with Jehovah's Witnesses is to ignore them. They don't knock on my door anymore... and I think that's because they know I will fuck with them. They knock, I knock back and giggle. They stand there not sure what to do, so I knock again and say, "House keeping?" in David Spade from Tommy Boy voice... hahaha.
There were a couple of middle aged witnesses that incessantly came to my doorstep after Ted kindly indulged their zealous disruption of our day. They're like beggars.... they just don't fucking stay away. So, middle aged women wanted to discuss the Bible with my husband. I think I may have mentioned this in a previous blog... but these women were in their 50's, and like most 50 year old women I know, were completely smitten with my still somewhat youthful and intelligent husband.
I finally told them to fuck the fuck off and I didn't see them again. One day last month we received a letter from them - addressed to Ted (though they know my name) basically telling him that they hadn't forgotten about him or his "questions" and I'm like, gag a fucking maggot. First of all, he doesn't have questions for YOU, crazy Jehovah lovin' bitches. *They only kind of bitch Ted likes is the ME kind*. I only heard from those ladies once since then, which I will mention in a moment... but today something kind of odd happened.
We get Witnesses, Latino (presumably) Catholics and Mormons coming through here on a regular basis. Every month or so we get some Catholic "missionaries" (or door-to-door gospel sharers, whatever they are called, of the Latino descent) who only visit the Latino homes in my neighborhood and never visit me because I'm white and speak English - so maybe they think I'm already taken care of, I don't know. It's cool, I prefer that they don't share with me. Anyways, today something out of the ordinary happened when these Latino missionaries stuffed a pamphlet in my front door. They knocked not on my own door but on the door across the hall. Being totally curious as to what my next door neighbors would say to door-to-door missionaries, I peeped through the peep hole while they knocked on my neighbors door, interrupting his family dinner (which I know for a fact is important to him). I don't think their "meeting" lasted very long... but I was wondering why these "Latino" guys left a pamphlet for me when they usually just skip my household. (I use quotes because, in all honesty, they looked Latino from the back, through my peep hole, but I didn't really see them.
We get Witnesses, Latino (presumably) Catholics and Mormons coming through here on a regular basis. Every month or so we get some Catholic "missionaries" (or door-to-door gospel sharers, whatever they are called, of the Latino descent) who only visit the Latino homes in my neighborhood and never visit me because I'm white and speak English - so maybe they think I'm already taken care of, I don't know. It's cool, I prefer that they don't share with me. Anyways, today something out of the ordinary happened when these Latino missionaries stuffed a pamphlet in my front door. They knocked not on my own door but on the door across the hall. Being totally curious as to what my next door neighbors would say to door-to-door missionaries, I peeped through the peep hole while they knocked on my neighbors door, interrupting his family dinner (which I know for a fact is important to him). I don't think their "meeting" lasted very long... but I was wondering why these "Latino" guys left a pamphlet for me when they usually just skip my household. (I use quotes because, in all honesty, they looked Latino from the back, through my peep hole, but I didn't really see them.
I took the pamphlet and the fist thing I noticed was that Jesus looked white and impeccably groomed.... well... you know what? Don't take my word for it, see for yourself...
So... ok, he's not as bad as the blonde, catholic Jesus that you'll find at the Vatican (not that I've been there.... but it's a bunch of white people worshiping the white Jesus...) But I still find this image offensive!! I wanted to stick my head out the door and scream, why do you, Latinos, worship The Man's white Jesus???
Then it hit me and I realized something was very fucking wrong in the state of Denmark. I assumed that they had knocked on my neighbors door because he is a Mexican immigrant... but no! These two gentlemen knocked on every door but my own and I ask you now, WHY??
I figured it out. They were instructed not to. I know this because I told Kathleen Klopson, a Jehovah's Witness who showed up *un-invited* on my doorstep several times, to stop doing that.
On Saturday's I want to stay in my jammies ALL DAY. I don't need to answer the door looking like that... but these fucking, white bread, middle age, stereo-type bitches disturbed my weekend peace because they wanted to share their take on God (the God I know they do not know) with me, a lonely wanderer and follower of a God that I also do not know (that well). I know this, though, Jehovah's Witnesses can not answer any question I may have of God, Jesus or the Word aka the Bible. They can't. I spit in their face (in my mind).
A couple weeks after chasing those lame broads off we got this letter;
So, you see, they never forgot my unforgettable husband but they knew I didn't want them showing up on my doorstep, ruining my Saturday-in-Jammies anymore. The J.W.'s still come but I guess they now know better than to knock on my door.
Even so! I cannot abide their presence in my neighborhood. I don't care if what they do might remove even one of the annoying-ass teenagers from the parking lot for 10 minutes and take them to youth group. I would rather those teenagers keep dressing like sluts and smoking their death sticks while saying foul things than to know that they were being brain washed by some wacko, no-celebrating-birthday's-for-you-or-any-other-holiday-or-special-occasion-for-that-matter ass bitches, thank you very much.
I called the manager of my apartment complex, asking that she consider banning them - since no solicitors are technically allowed in here - and I also wrote a letter.
Here it is;
Dear Kingdom Hall of Jehovah’s Witnesses, 4-6-11
Kathleen Klopson and
Door-to-door Volunteers,
Greetings,
I received an invitation (left wedged in my front door) to your Palm Sunday gathering and “special talk” on May 1st. Thank you for the invite.
This letter is to ask you, please, stop visiting my *private* neighborhood. I have already put in a call to the management and I will circulate a petition if need be. I have already communicated to Kathleen Klopson and her friend (both of whom have spontaneously arrived at my doorstep, unexpectedly and uninvited) to stop frequenting my residence. They have since sent a letter explaining that we may get additional visits from volunteers involved in your community volunteer Bible educational work.
This has to stop. We are Protestants. I believe that the Watchtower Society and anyone who follows beliefs set forth by Jehovah’s Witnesses are involved in a cult-like mutation of The Way and are going to be answerable for what you have done to the Word. My husband, whom Ms Klopson and her associate have kindled an inappropriate interest for, was merely trying to explain to them what the Bible actually, literally says, on the occasions he agreed to indulge their disturbances. He studies, reads and understands Biblical Hebrew and Greek. I do not believe it is proper for your church to send out individuals as gospel witness to non-believers, when they themselves don’t even know what the Bible truly says – and never will – since all J.W. read is the New World Translation aka the book of jehovah, as well as books and pamphlets of watchtower manufacture that are titled things like, “Would You Like to Know the Truth” but never ANYWHERE in the text, actually offer the “truth”.
I have tried to be kind and patient but no one, not I, my husband or any of my neighbors, wishes to receive morning, mid-day or dinner-time visits from anyone involved in your religion. I apologize for being less than polite in this letter. I am tired of the invasion. We do not have questions about the actual, real Bible that we are willing to pose to J.W. and I am really tired of the Caucasian Jesus imaged in everything you publish (Lets remember where Jesus was from, ok?). Everything about your religion is an affront to God.
Thank you for your time and please stop coming to 101 and 102 Civic Center Dr. in Scotts Valley or I will circulate a petition and pressure the management to ban your organization.
Regards,
Mrs. Erin Bond
My question to you, my dear and beloved friends, is, Do I send it?
♥
(I would ask you to prank call them but they don't have an answering machine.)
By the way, this is what I think Jesus looks like
I'm still not totally sure what his face looks like, though. :) It's probably like in the pictures we all know, just not so freaking white.
4 Comments:
Send it! That was too well written not to bear witness the fruits of it's possible outcomes. On a lighter note, I was hoping to hear more of your thoughts on Craig's Brother. Boy oh boy do I love that band!
LAWL
brilliant post as always.
I do remember when I went to kingdom hall "lectures" them saying that Jesus was well-groomed and well dressed because no one would listen to him if he wasn't, that was when I started thinking "hmm that is a fucking odd thing to claim"
yes you should send that letter in, it isn't rude, it is to the point and they need to learn bit by bit that going to peoples doors isn't the way to go about "spreading their word"
I thought it was ace that you used the thing I always say to people (why don't you fuck the fuck off)though it probably wasn't on purpose!
one thing I would say is that they aren't really like beggars, beggars usually just sit there (in this country anyway) asking for change, they are more like bacteria that floats aimlessly through the air latching on to anyone that gets near them:)
if Ted ever went to the meetings, it would be about 3 times before they started trying to make him cut his hair and give up christmas!
Ted says if I send it it's only going to encourage them to try and "set me straight"... which may be a good thing for them. Perhaps if I'm adamant about their perversion of the Word, maybe they'll be the ones to see the light?? Yeah right.
JW don't really think that way, if you send that they will assume you can't be saved and leave you alone. they aren't interested in argument they are only interested in people joining up, if you won't join up they move on to other people who they can bend to their will and ultimately get money out of.
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