Messed Up Dayweekmonths

Do not read any further.

If you were stubborn enough not to be told what to do and, indeed, continued reading - as you were clearly advised against, I both salute your will and advise that you have been warned.

 Is it just me or does nearly everyone have an extra helping of stress going on right now?  No one is really making ends meet - not the way they'd like, I'm sure. Many people are bitter and angry.  I certainly am.  I am also taking measures to become less bitter and angry as well as taking measures to try and savor the positive and enjoyable aspects of my life... but sometimes it is difficult beyond words to see past my momentary problems to the rainbow that is my actual life.

Even if my problems were all around worse than they are now I would still have a beautiful life... so why is it so difficult to appreciate the good things when I am in momentary distress?  I guess just because one may cry at a funeral doesn't mean that one won't smile at the wake.  My point is, in spite of my problems, my life isn't so bad and I do recognize that.  My issue is that the same problems keep arising (however varying the circumstances) and it is my ardent desire to end these patterns.

I am not good at handling conflict.  At all.  I admit that.  I am very reactionary and I take a lot of things really personally.  It is my strength that I recognize this but that strength is also a curse because now the responsibility is undeniably mine and I'm faced with handling my issues or being irresponsible with my blessings.  Lazy as I am, do I not wish to be a good steward of whatever it is I have?  And trust me, money I'm short on but blessings I have in troves.  This knowledge of my downfalls or shortcomings, though a blessing and curse, isn't incentive to run out and beg forgiveness from everyone I've ever talked shit to.  Far from it.  It's not to right what's been done but to make right my future and that of those I influence.... at least, I have to make it as right for them as possible.

What does all this fucking gibberish and mind gushing amount to?  Words on a screen, I suppose... but perhaps someone will stumble upon my pathetic writings and see something familiar.  I hope that someone like me sees this and also wants to change.

"What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively?  ...What allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?" "What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart." ~Marshall Rosenberg

Yeah, that's what I want.  I have a long fucking way to go.