Lady of Leisure?  Perhaps, Perhaps.

A friend of a friend once asked me if I was a Lady of Leisure.  I was mildly offended by the question, having little affection for or desire to share anything in common with the person who inquired.  After some reflection, however, I realized that I am quite a lady of leisure, though, the label "lady" is used in its most general form.

As it turns out, even though we live on a very low income, I am very free to pursue almost any hobby or job that I wish.  I have been going to school but I took this semester off.  I am able to make the decision to stay home and play video games or read comic books all day if I want to.  I mean... you know... there's vacuuming and dishes and taking the dog for a walk... there's all the daily issues of the childrens homework, but the biggest problem I deal with is loneliness. I prefer to stay home during the day.  I prefer solitude to social interaction in a physical way, but I do feel the effects of isolation.  6 hours a day I spend by myself, 4 days a week, and 1 day a week I get 4.5 hours alone.  It's what I do with the time that makes a difference.

Yesterday I rearranged some furniture in my room and today I have to clean out a closet and reorganize my filing cabinet.  I must do these things so I can get my home in order.... but aside from that and regular, everyday stuff I don't have much to do.  I have tons of musical instruments and the knowledge to use them at my disposal... but I mostly read comics, play video games and (ab)use the internet.  Why do I do that?  The whole while I am sitting on my ass playing a game and listening to music instead of playing it, I am thinking, what a waste.  Here I am, not practicing music, not studying anything academic.  I'm a complete waste of human making components.  

Why am I here? I made some babies that would be completely lost without me... so now I can't go away... but sometimes I don't know why I am here.  I don't know where my motivation went.... well, maybe I do know the answer to that question.... but yeah, I feel like a waste more often than not.  With billions of humans in this world... why am I given the life that I have as well as a hefty dose of apathy and lethargy?  I suppose it's because I'm a spoiled, rich American.  Even though we are students living on a modest income, we have a very comfortable life with all the perks everyone else has.  Maybe I don't have an estate (yet) but I regularly enjoy luxuries, and I'm included in the small population of the world who carries cash in their pocket.

A Lady of Leisure am I.  I do what I wish when I wish it, for the most part.  I am confined only by the constraints of a family life and minor responsibility.... though, I do have a deep, dark fear of perpetual isolation and uselessness.  I am useful to Ted... but what if I became useless to him?  What would I do?  I think I afford myself the amount of laziness that I do because I know I am able to be productive or helpful if I wish... but really... I'm only slightly better than one of my kitty cats... whose sole purpose in life is to lie in the sun and give me love... and love me they do, and for that I appreciate them immensely.

I know my kitty cats love for me is based on selfish desires of theirs, but I don't care.  If it makes them happy to sit in my lap and purr, and I get to hold them and rub my face in their fur and lay my head against their tummy's... I don't know... maybe it's mutual.  Maybe they see the value I place on them and they are happy to oblige me some affection.

I'm fucking insane.  

And Paul, we got out tax money so I can hopefully get my shit up and running (and therefore have a point to my life!!! Yay!)

And the Giant came Home Roaring Drunk (I did not!)

It's interesting to see the way people react to my blogs.  I have one asshole friend in particular who was giving me a hard time about the ending to my most recent Craig's Brother blog.  I don't know how else I would have ended it.  It was the general theme, and a blog can't just come to a screeching halt.  There must be an ending.  Ted calls it a punchline when he's talking about song writing.  The fact that I'm female and was using masturbation ending in disappointment as a general analogy makes people want to condescend... but getting commentary at all is worth it's own weight... as little as that may be.

I feel a little bit sad about a relationship I'm having difficulty with... but I don't know why everything has to be so serious all the time.  You would think that someone who loves music and art would realize that everything created has drawn on inspiration and is mostly make believe.  (Take any CB song, for example).

It's difficult for me to write an interesting blog when I'm not motivated by anger.  I don't really care that much about anything.  I could tell you more about comic books or video games but really, who cares? Jack Horner and my character in Fallout: New Vegas will kick your ass.  That is all I can say.

I don't like it when I make people feel sad or angry.  I don't like making people want to cry with my writing... although, if you think about it, it's pretty cool that my writing inspires emotions in people at all.

As for the person who didn't like the finale (or, punchline, if you will) of my last blog... I got what I wanted from you, mister, and that was views.