Life from Death
Here I am, in one of the most emotionally complex seasons of my life, so far. There has always been pain... always fighting and tumultuous incidents/relationships... I suppose that's why I tried so hard to work everything out... maybe it's my fault that the ordeal commonly known as My Marriage was drawn out for so long. I really, really thought I could fix it... but two people need to be trying. I think Ted gave up a long time ago and just didn't know what to do.
I don't necessarily think he's any happier now... I think he may even be more depressed and stressed... but I know it will get better for him. That's the way of things... It got better for me....
Now, amidst the daily pain - as I go through stupid boxes of memories separating everything that was "ours", pictures and love songs Ted wrote for me - the hurt is accompanied (and lessened) by a stupid grin I find adorning my lips during times I would think smiling impossible.
It's because of "it"... my spontaneous facial contortions are due to my band.
I thought that being rejected by the great Ted Bond was a crushing blow... the finishing move... *FINISH HER* I had to deactivate my facebook profile... my friends were starting to worry about me and they were right to. I nearly did it... I was close to "finishing" myself. The idea that my children would feel as rejected as I did - or even more so than I did... that is what stopped me from further consideration. It might be a mistake to put it here... but I have access to a lot of things that would make it quick and relatively painless... I've read up on how to do it... wouldn't it have been better to leave children with someone who was happy, rather than to sentence them to life with the living dead? Wouldn't that be more terrible for them in the long run? Kids get over stuff... they bounce back... maybe.
I took the sad and death feelings and poured them into my band. 3 Cards Short saved my life... more specifically, my friend Paul Mayes Stevenson, and my friend and drummer Jonathan Mumma.... it's a demonstration of what we all live for; the true meaning of life, the only meaning... love.
I believe that the last twelve years was a trial period for me. I was tempered with fire, prepared and made ready.
I do love Ted. I will always love him and cherish the memories and all the fucking super rad shit I have done, seen and had made available to me as a result of my relationship with him.
Ted, I can never thank you enough. You have done so much... even if the motivation was only chivalrous, or selfish, or whatever. Without you, without Craig's Brother, my life would not be what it is now. It might seem unfair.... but because of you, I am a better person... and I'm a better person for my band. I don't want to hurt each other anymore. I want to heal. I am proud of you and the things you want in this life. I am proud of you for leaving. The fight couldn't go on anymore... and for the first time in many years, I do not fear to come home. Coming home now doesn't mean a fight.
I don't necessarily think he's any happier now... I think he may even be more depressed and stressed... but I know it will get better for him. That's the way of things... It got better for me....
Now, amidst the daily pain - as I go through stupid boxes of memories separating everything that was "ours", pictures and love songs Ted wrote for me - the hurt is accompanied (and lessened) by a stupid grin I find adorning my lips during times I would think smiling impossible.
It's because of "it"... my spontaneous facial contortions are due to my band.
I thought that being rejected by the great Ted Bond was a crushing blow... the finishing move... *FINISH HER* I had to deactivate my facebook profile... my friends were starting to worry about me and they were right to. I nearly did it... I was close to "finishing" myself. The idea that my children would feel as rejected as I did - or even more so than I did... that is what stopped me from further consideration. It might be a mistake to put it here... but I have access to a lot of things that would make it quick and relatively painless... I've read up on how to do it... wouldn't it have been better to leave children with someone who was happy, rather than to sentence them to life with the living dead? Wouldn't that be more terrible for them in the long run? Kids get over stuff... they bounce back... maybe.
I took the sad and death feelings and poured them into my band. 3 Cards Short saved my life... more specifically, my friend Paul Mayes Stevenson, and my friend and drummer Jonathan Mumma.... it's a demonstration of what we all live for; the true meaning of life, the only meaning... love.
I believe that the last twelve years was a trial period for me. I was tempered with fire, prepared and made ready.
I do love Ted. I will always love him and cherish the memories and all the fucking super rad shit I have done, seen and had made available to me as a result of my relationship with him.
Ted, I can never thank you enough. You have done so much... even if the motivation was only chivalrous, or selfish, or whatever. Without you, without Craig's Brother, my life would not be what it is now. It might seem unfair.... but because of you, I am a better person... and I'm a better person for my band. I don't want to hurt each other anymore. I want to heal. I am proud of you and the things you want in this life. I am proud of you for leaving. The fight couldn't go on anymore... and for the first time in many years, I do not fear to come home. Coming home now doesn't mean a fight.
Things, I think, are going to be just fucking fine.
♥Snow
