My, How the Turntables

So here I am, nearly a decade later. A lifetime or more for some miserable souls. A lifetime for me, to be sure.

Everything is different now. Do I remain the same? I'd like to think that after everything I've been through, everything I've done, seen and learned, all the people I have hurt and the ones who I maybe helped, the trials, the drugs and the recovery, that I am a better, wiser and more patient person. I've *lived* for over four decades. Am I a better person?

I am still me, after all.

One idea I have come to really like is the notion that there is more than one version of each of us that exists in this world. (I learned of this idea like 20 some odd years ago when I first watched the original Neon Genesis Evangelion).

There's my physical body, housing my... what, spirit? My physical body houses the me that I have come to know. Is the me that exists in my mind - my own *perception* of who I am - the same as the actual me? What about the me that exists in your mind, or the mind of someone I barely know? Is one understanding of me more valid or more real than another?

I have shit to do. More on this later.

-SnowFlake is Dead, But I like to Gr0wstuff-

Life from Death

Here I am, in one of the most emotionally complex seasons of my life, so far.  There has always been pain... always fighting and tumultuous incidents/relationships... I suppose that's why I tried so hard to work everything out... maybe it's my fault that the ordeal commonly known as My Marriage was drawn out for so long.  I really, really thought I could fix it... but two people need to be trying.  I think Ted gave up a long time ago and just didn't know what to do.

I don't necessarily think he's any happier now... I think he may even be more depressed and stressed... but I know it will get better for him.  That's the way of things... It got better for me....

Now, amidst the daily pain - as I go through stupid boxes of memories separating everything that was "ours", pictures and love songs Ted wrote for me - the hurt is accompanied (and lessened) by a stupid grin I find adorning my lips during times I would think smiling impossible.

It's because of "it"... my spontaneous facial contortions are due to my band.
I thought that being rejected by the great Ted Bond was a crushing blow... the finishing move...  *FINISH HER* I had to deactivate my facebook profile... my friends were starting to worry about me and they were right to.  I nearly did it... I was close to "finishing" myself.  The idea that my children would feel as rejected as I did - or even more so than I did... that is what stopped me from further consideration.  It might be a mistake to put it here... but I have access to a lot of things that would make it quick and relatively painless... I've read up on how to do it... wouldn't it have been better to leave children with someone who was happy, rather than to sentence them to life with the living dead?  Wouldn't that be more terrible for them in the long run?  Kids get over stuff... they bounce back... maybe.

I took the sad and death feelings and poured them into my band.  3 Cards Short saved my life... more specifically, my friend Paul Mayes Stevenson, and my friend and drummer Jonathan Mumma.... it's a demonstration of what we all live for; the true meaning of life, the only meaning... love.

I believe that the last twelve years was a trial period for me. I was tempered with fire, prepared and made ready.

I do love Ted.  I will always love him and cherish the memories and all the fucking super rad shit I have done, seen and had made available to me as a result of my relationship with him.

Ted, I can never thank you enough.  You have done so much... even if the motivation was only chivalrous, or selfish, or whatever.  Without you, without Craig's Brother, my life would not be what it is now.  It might seem unfair.... but because of you, I am a better person... and I'm a better person for my band.  I don't want to hurt each other anymore.  I want to heal.  I am proud of you and the things you want in this life.  I am proud of you for leaving.  The fight couldn't go on anymore... and for the first time in many years, I do not fear to come home.  Coming home now doesn't mean a fight.

Things, I think, are going to be just fucking fine.

♥SnowFlake♥

might as well just post it... it doesn't matter anymore anyway

The Dumbest Thing in the Whole World

or
No One Cares, You Lame Fucking Drama Queens

I am fit to be tied.  I feel totally abused and really, intentionally villainized by a master manipulator.  His little puppets have no idea he's pulling the strings... and if they do... they have secretly, maybe subconsciously, agreed to go along with his puppet show.  The thing is, I never did anything to elicit his wrath.  I realized that I was his puppet too... I played my part and now the eyes are off of him and on me.

I'm so angry right now!  The threat is that if things go poorly, our so-called friends would try soil my *good* name by spreading false accusations that I was the reason why things went sour.  The one thing they're not telling you is that they never pointed out what I did wrong to me or give me a chance to plead my case... which I shouldn't have to do.

I am innocent.  I maintain that truth.  Being a girl is the worst possible thing when dealing with personalities such as the ones I am dealing with.  They're all totally nuts!  That's not to say that I'm not as well.  I know I let my thoughts influence me too much... but what am I supposed to do when my accusers don't accuse me to my face, rather, they group up and discuss what they believe I have done, developing the story as they see fit, filling in my actions and dialogue completely without any regard for the actual truth or justice.

If things go poorly and I do get blamed for it, it won't amount to anything.  Sure, my feelings might be hurt and I might spend a couple days staring at my computer screen wondering if there's anything I can do to change it... but if I am labeled by lies the so be it.  It's better to be falsely accused than to actually have done something worth being accused of.

If things go poorly, rest assured, it's because my accusers can't handle the truth or investigating it.  They are lazy cowards who can't take any responsibility for their actions.  And just so I'm not accused of avoiding responsibility, I'd like it to be known that I attempted communication with my accusers and I even apologized for something I didn't feel I had done.  I had apologized for possibly being insensitive or hurting someone's feelings... which was a kindness and completely unnecessary for someone who is innocent to do... saying it here pretty much removes the nobility of it... but I want you to know that I did it.  They ignored me and chose to stay angry over an inaccurate perception.

Even if every single one of their supporters agreed that I carry all the blame, even though it would hurt my feelings, it would not matter at all.  Even if my accusers were not some tiny, insignificant entity, even if they were bigger than our heroes or bigger than the president... it wouldn't matter.  There are too many people in the world for it to matter.  No one would really care.  In the long run, not even their supporters would care miss sleep or shed a tear.  It would just be another mental tabloid.  I've had worse happen.

I'm blowing it by not being your cyber friend?  YOU'RE blowing it up by being a condescending, false accusing, bossy-pants Dick.. and if you let people overseas, who are even less significant than you, influence your personal reality then you're even stupider than you've been acting the last few weeks.  All of you.

Journal Entry from '09

I just found this in a journal... Ted and I have been breaking up since we got together, but I'm not sure what inspired this particular mini-tirade...

"8-25-09
        
          We weren't bred or raised to be full of confidence.  My brothers, sisters and myself, that is.  Any evidence or display of confidence is purely manufactured for show.


None of us will amount to anything.  it's all falling apart."

Uplifting shit.

Oh... this was on the page before the above entry... hahaha

"6-18-09


     The song must have a thesis or else there is no fucking point"

~Snow~

I think things are going to be ok.  This was going through my head this morning... when I was thinking about someone special...

Yep.  I think it's all going to be just fine.

Thank you for saving me.  I hope I saved you a little too. ♥

Dear Ted,

 I heard this song and so many of the words seemed like they were written from me to you... you don't usually seem interested in understanding my analogies, but maybe you'll see.... look below for the lyrics...

Brilliant? A word describing something dumb
You create to desecrate the villain I've become
A prophet, not to be made but heard
Speaks in tongues and sarcasm
To me it's plain, to you absurd
You don't know me let alone my intent
Actions do not always self represent
I don't feel urgency in explaining
My conscience opaquely clear
The seed is gently sown back to mother earth
The flower blooms resplendent fumes
A miracle rebirth
The cynic in a search of something more
The fragrant air cannot compare
To what it was the great before
Remember the good old days
Remember the sound
Remember the sweet mustiness underground
No, I don't feel the need for relivin'
Some things are better off dead
Never thought the furnace
Was going to burn us
We worked the bellows for so long
The comfort of the fire apathized us
Looks like we burned ourselves alive
Remember the old band we filled ears with pain
Nothing to lose there was nothing to gain
No I don't miss my span of attention
I do miss my old friend Tim.

I love you.  Please stop freaking out.  Please be ok.

♥Snow♥

So it finally happened.  Ted (sort of) left... and left me hanging.  Why?  Because I love him too much... fuck.  It hurts so much.  I really thought I was vying for Worlds Perfect Wife.. haha... I exaggerate... of course I'm not perfect. Ted and I fight all the time.  He finally did what I was never able to do... he started staying away and refusing to call or text me back.  I know I'm pathetic... I just think there's a better way... so many guys want me... I get hit on at work all the time.... I know I look good... fuck... I'm smart and I'm a good bass player.  I'm a loving mother... why do we have to fight... why doesn't he want me... why do I want him so bad... it's not fucking fair. See, Total Bummer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6KUVJO8LzSA for a good perspective on "fair"... though... Fat Mike isn't a feeble freak like me.

My band is getting me through, though  I fucking love those guys.  (Paul, Jonathan, Damien, I fucking love you guys...) that, and the fact that I know my kids really need me has kept me from bringing along a backup razor.  I won't bail them because my heart is ripping the fuck out of my chest... I'm worthy.... I'm beautiful... please, I don't care... I know I'm pathetic... I just want the pain to stop... please...please...fuck... please...

~SnowFlake~

Messed Up Dayweekmonths

Do not read any further.

If you were stubborn enough not to be told what to do and, indeed, continued reading - as you were clearly advised against, I both salute your will and advise that you have been warned.

 Is it just me or does nearly everyone have an extra helping of stress going on right now?  No one is really making ends meet - not the way they'd like, I'm sure. Many people are bitter and angry.  I certainly am.  I am also taking measures to become less bitter and angry as well as taking measures to try and savor the positive and enjoyable aspects of my life... but sometimes it is difficult beyond words to see past my momentary problems to the rainbow that is my actual life.

Even if my problems were all around worse than they are now I would still have a beautiful life... so why is it so difficult to appreciate the good things when I am in momentary distress?  I guess just because one may cry at a funeral doesn't mean that one won't smile at the wake.  My point is, in spite of my problems, my life isn't so bad and I do recognize that.  My issue is that the same problems keep arising (however varying the circumstances) and it is my ardent desire to end these patterns.

I am not good at handling conflict.  At all.  I admit that.  I am very reactionary and I take a lot of things really personally.  It is my strength that I recognize this but that strength is also a curse because now the responsibility is undeniably mine and I'm faced with handling my issues or being irresponsible with my blessings.  Lazy as I am, do I not wish to be a good steward of whatever it is I have?  And trust me, money I'm short on but blessings I have in troves.  This knowledge of my downfalls or shortcomings, though a blessing and curse, isn't incentive to run out and beg forgiveness from everyone I've ever talked shit to.  Far from it.  It's not to right what's been done but to make right my future and that of those I influence.... at least, I have to make it as right for them as possible.

What does all this fucking gibberish and mind gushing amount to?  Words on a screen, I suppose... but perhaps someone will stumble upon my pathetic writings and see something familiar.  I hope that someone like me sees this and also wants to change.

"What happens to disconnect us from our compassionate nature, leading us to behave violently and exploitatively?  ...What allows some people to stay connected to their compassionate nature under even the most trying circumstances?" "What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart." ~Marshall Rosenberg

Yeah, that's what I want.  I have a long fucking way to go.